Confessions of a first class procrastinator...

Soooooo,

I'm working on my Master's in Business Administration. It's a lot of work. So far so good. I've been getting solid A's so far. I've actually turned in papers that came back with perfect scores and no criticism - not because they weren't graded, but because there was nothing wrong with them. However, I have noticed something rather disturbing about myself, particularly this past few weeks. I can't seem to get motivated. I've always had a problem with proctrastination particularly when it comes to school and more specifically with homewok assignments. In many cases it is tied to lack of interest in the subject matter - this semester i'm doing marketing - which is actuallly quite cool, and I'm also studying Human resources planning and admin - yawn....

Me, a great student....

It's not for lack of engagement, however - sometimes my energy and interest just gets misplaced. I remember similar times while attending LIFE as a freshman back in L.A. I had a Western Civ.class and I got really excited when the instructor Chuck Middlebrook -( a really cool, but somewhat monotone guy), one day held up a book called "X-raying the Pharoahs" - I was hooked! I was so excited about my class that I immediately checked that book out from the library and that book led to another book, which led to another, and pretty soon I knew everything there was to know about mummies, and the latest and greatest finds in ancient Egyptian archaeology - I thought I was being a great student by showing soo much interest in the material!

...a great student of nothing important.....

Meanwhile, the rest of the Western Civ. class had moved on to...... well, to later periods in Western Civilization. And me....? Well,... I was left behnind, still covered in the dust of the ancient Pharoah's mummified remains. I didn't do so well that first term at LIFE.
The difference now, is that I am not pre-occupied with mummies - neither am I going to the library to check out additional books concernning the latest theories in Human Resources management - that is NOT likely to happen. However, I am a great deal more busy these days - and tired. I'm especially tired these past few weeks for some reason.

Lack of motivation? Or just tiredness...

The pattern that disturbs me is this. I don't seem to get motivated these days unless I have a pressing deadline. That bugs me. In some cases it is just the facts of life. Its not that the task is so unpleasant, or that there aren't rewards for doing well. The classes are quite challenging, and I have found that I am readily able to apply the material I am learning to my work environment - its just that I feel that I should have matured a bit as a student, since I am doing this voluntarily - and I am 40 years old - hence, I'm a little more tired than I was in my late teens and twenties, ....and thirties.........

Hypocrisy in action

We get on our kids about putting things off - chores, dishes, homework, etc... Am I really any better, or more grown up when I can't seem to do my bloody reading and response questions until the night before the deadline? Just food for thought.
Oops! Time to crack the books - I was going to do it earlier, but I thought I'd rather blog instead. Now, do you see my predicament?

Motivation...

Sooo,
I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying about what it takes to push through to the next level in life. I'm also asking the same question I did about a year ago here.
There's an old saying, it usually has to do with weight loss & training for tri-athlons, and stuff, but it holds true for many things: You will never change anything about yourself that you are comfortable with. So, it goes without saying, if I have resolved to live with myself as the kinda guy who says, "pass me the chips" rather than the guy who says, "o.k., just one more set...." then am I somehow doomed to a life of failure.

However, what if that isn't the person God has called me to be? He wants me to be the best I can be, in all things - as a worshipper, servant, husband, father, son, brother. I am called to be a Godly example in all things, at work, and with my body, posessions & money. So, looking at those things, I often come up short - or tipping the scale the wrong way, as it were.

Walking in Grace

As with any struggle, or sin, as a believer in Jesus - He already nailed it to the cross - but I have to recieve and walk in that grace by faith. That means, I can't do it on my own.

Here's what I am NOT saying - I am definitely NOT an advocate for a "name it and claim" it "prosperity" gospel - and that isn't what I'm talking about here. I just want victory over these things I continually struggle with - namely that I settle for mediocrity in many areas of my life - such as my personal health (weight and appearance), my finances, attention to my family, and stewardship of our home (this is a biggie!).

The thing is, I'm always busy doing something - studying for school, doing stuff with the kids, and I am away from home from 6:30 am till 6pm most nights. So, I don't have very much time to waste - I just feel guilty that things are often left undone, and we always feel like we're playing catch-up.

What it really amounts to, is that I'm TIRED! There also always seems to be something new that we are obliged to participate in that we somehow know nothing about - camp registrations, sports practices, piano recitals, school events, parties the kids have been invited to., blah, blah, blah........ we can't keep up. So what are we to do? My normal response is to scramble to try and please everyone, and then feel guilty and condemned for not having been on top of it all. So, when does this cross over into the rhealm of sin, and when is it just Steve O. having a bad couple of days? (weeks or months?).

Autopilot...

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying lately about my personal lack of fervor at times (read - lately).

For me, having grown up in church, going to a christian college, seminary, etc...... it is just too easy to "fake" it when I want to. I know all the right answers to give. I can even sound impressive if I choose. (Impressed yet?)

Don't get me wrong - I love the Lord. I am a follower of Jesus, I am very passionate about worship - about people diving in and enjoying a relationship with Him. But, I have to admit - sometimes (lately) it just feels dry. For me it has been too easy to just go through the motions. I am coming out of a short period like that right now. (Have you guessed) I feel like I have been on Auto-pilot so to speak rather than growing in the Lord. Worse yet, I have given place to a lot of cynicism and a very critical attitude that just stinks. I can really be a jerk sometimes.

But deep down, I so desparately want to be led by the spirit, to obey his every command. I want to passionately dig into His word, to fervently worship at His feet. I have let this apathy take over for far too long!

Sorry to dump on you... just had to put it out there!

Thoughts on my lack of discipline...

Soo,

Why is it that we humans have a propensity for making outrageous commitments with regards to self-improvement, weight-loss, our prayer-life, yard work, etc....... only to completely BLOW IT just a few short days (weeks) later?

Just askin'......