You know what I hate? Car shopping...

In light of our recent loss (the now world famous Geo-mobile) I thought I'd fill you in on the process of replacing her.

But first let me explain something. I absolutely loathe buying cars. Period. Why? In a word - SALESMEN! You have your three basic types.

First, there's the guy with the comb-over and checkered blazer who seems so utterly desparate to make a sale that he'll tell you whatever you want to hear. He'll follow you out to your car, and try to get your work phone number so he can bug you till you buy something. (ew!)

Next, we encountered the exact opposite - the guy who wouldn't even come to the door half the time when we popped by to test drive a car my son was really interested in. It made me think his whole car lot was just some sort of mafia front - or tax scheme or something. ZERO customer service. Did he even want to sell a car? (Double-ew!)

Finally, there was the good-smelling, slick, over-dressed Alec Baldwin-type guy who just gave us the creeps. This guy had a cheezy shiny gold watch, a shiny gold bracelet, a couple of shiny gold rings and a really nice trenchcoat over his really nice suit. (Did I mention the shiny gold diamond tie tack?) Something gave me the impresssion that this guy had no trouble asking for the sale! He may have been slightly over-paid!

The bottom line - who can you trust? No matter how good the deal is (or you think it is) you always feel like you're getting the shaft, so to speak.

So, I've learned to compensate for these sales-type guys. I become a complete jerk!

My son saw me in action. His jaw hit the floor. Here's how it goes.

Them: Hello sir - can we get you into a car today? Watcha lookin' for?
Me: When I find it, I'll tell you.

Them: Well, we have a fine assort.....
Me: I'm just looking, I'll be back if there's anything I'm interested in. Go stand over there until I need you.

Them: No problem, I'll be right over here.....just call me if you have any questions.
Me - after looking around: O.K. here's what we want - 97 or newer, less than 100k miles - under $X,000.00 - what have you got?

Them: Uh, well, uh, let me get the manager......uh..
Me: Awe, c'mon, I know it can be done? Do you want to sell a car or not?

Them: Who are you?
Me: I'm a tough customer - I know what I want, I know what can and can't be done.

Them: Yes sir - you are........(under their breath, ##@@)

And, after shopping a little bit we got what we wanted - though I still lie awake at nights wondering if I couldn't have gotten a little better deal. Hmm.